1 00:00:00,531 --> 00:00:06,617 - Synced and Corrected by Dragoniod - www.addic7ed.com 2 00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:15,057 You bit your finger off? What problem was that solving? 3 00:00:15,641 --> 00:00:17,017 Obviously, it was an accident. 4 00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:19,311 How do you accidentally bite off an appendage? 5 00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:22,439 Because I was trying to keep my shit together around Carl, 6 00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:24,191 who I didn't kill, by the way. 7 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:27,945 No credit there. Fine. 8 00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:31,156 I was biting my nails. Then all of a sudden, crunch. 9 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:32,574 Jesus Christ. 10 00:00:32,658 --> 00:00:35,077 You're stress-eating yourself. Did anyone see you? 11 00:00:35,244 --> 00:00:37,246 No. I ran to the bathroom and wrapped it up. 12 00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:39,706 And by the time I got back, the investor had left. 13 00:00:39,790 --> 00:00:42,167 [SIGHS] It's a clean bite. 14 00:00:42,251 --> 00:00:44,670 - You think it can be reattached? - I don't know. 15 00:00:44,753 --> 00:00:46,630 Maybe there's a way to stick it back on. 16 00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:50,509 Rubber band, extension cord... chip clip? 17 00:00:50,926 --> 00:00:51,760 No. 18 00:00:51,843 --> 00:00:54,054 Billy Joel CD, Blockbuster card... 19 00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:56,348 hey, one of our stress balls. Remember these? 20 00:00:56,431 --> 00:00:59,393 [CHUCKLES] "You won't be stressed when you work with the best." 21 00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:01,853 Well, I think I'm pretty fucking stressed. 22 00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:05,315 Is this your toe? 23 00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:07,693 I didn't wanna throw it out. 24 00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:10,487 Well, it shouldn't be in the junk drawer. It should be... 25 00:01:11,780 --> 00:01:14,157 Well, I guess we can put it back in here for now. 26 00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:17,744 The only good thing was Carl screwed up his pitch so badly, 27 00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:19,580 that the investor wants to hear my idea. 28 00:01:19,663 --> 00:01:22,416 So you and I are gonna go present it to him tomorrow. 29 00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:28,213 No. You can't be around Carl. You're chewing off pieces of yourself. 30 00:01:28,297 --> 00:01:30,799 Carl won't be there. He was so humiliated 31 00:01:30,882 --> 00:01:34,594 that he claimed he'll be busy golfing with all the living presidents. 32 00:01:35,178 --> 00:01:37,264 You could see on his face he knew he overreached. 33 00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:38,632 Carl may not be at that meeting, but 34 00:01:38,639 --> 00:01:40,315 there'll be a hundred more meetings. 35 00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:43,937 By the time we finish this project, you'll just be a mouth on a chair. 36 00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:45,105 Jesus, Joel. 37 00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:47,482 A mouth I would still proudly call my wife. 38 00:01:47,566 --> 00:01:49,484 Well, I'm not giving up on this project. 39 00:01:49,568 --> 00:01:52,696 I don't want to stop living just because I'm undead! 40 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:56,491 - Shit! - Shit! 41 00:01:57,242 --> 00:01:58,702 Did you see where it went? 42 00:02:01,163 --> 00:02:03,498 - Oh, my God. - Did you find it? 43 00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:05,500 Abby's pacifier. 44 00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:09,755 - Oh, my God, her "mi-mi." - I know. So fast. 45 00:02:11,173 --> 00:02:12,049 - Shit! - Shit! 46 00:02:15,427 --> 00:02:18,221 I got your text that it was the clams. That's great news. 47 00:02:18,305 --> 00:02:20,182 I've already started researching where Japopo's gets them. 48 00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:21,308 Now's not a good time. 49 00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:25,729 Real quick. Couldn't find their supplier online, but I have a plan. 50 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:29,441 Tomorrow, we go to Japopo's posing as a father-son seafood company. 51 00:02:29,524 --> 00:02:32,319 We're business partners, we're friends, we're family. 52 00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:33,862 My wife lost her finger. 53 00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:37,157 Like in a crab trap? Probably hard to work that in, 54 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,159 but it's great that you're already thinking about backstory. 55 00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:40,369 [SHEILA] Found it! 56 00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:42,954 And we've got ants. 57 00:02:44,956 --> 00:02:46,166 Just get inside. 58 00:02:54,674 --> 00:02:56,301 Do you think we can fix it? 59 00:02:56,676 --> 00:02:58,678 Yeah, because my toe would never stay on. 60 00:02:58,762 --> 00:03:01,056 Well, your toe rotted off, so it was dead-dead. 61 00:03:01,139 --> 00:03:03,558 But your finger was severed, so it's more living-dead, 62 00:03:03,642 --> 00:03:07,187 which means if we set it, there's a chance it can go back to normal. 63 00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:08,188 What if it doesn't? 64 00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:10,148 I guess you could say you had an accident. 65 00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:12,609 Joel and I were thinking crab trap. Right, "Dad"? 66 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,821 We're not posing as father-son seafood distributors. 67 00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:17,260 The guy at Japopo's already thinks I'm 68 00:03:17,267 --> 00:03:18,871 making a documentary about tipping. 69 00:03:18,949 --> 00:03:21,118 Don't get me wrong, there's a story to be told there, 70 00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:23,328 but my plate is way too full. 71 00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:25,580 Sure, I get it. 72 00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:28,333 Ain't no thang, you know. 73 00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:30,794 Okay, try it now. 74 00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:36,842 Whoa. 75 00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:39,928 I can lose parts and reattach them. 76 00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:41,471 I'm like a snowman. 77 00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:43,849 Our lives just keep getting better and better. 78 00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:46,518 I'd go easy on it for a few days. 79 00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:49,730 Months? Seconds? I don't know. 80 00:03:49,813 --> 00:03:52,524 But definitely do keep it dry. Or moist? 81 00:03:53,442 --> 00:03:55,610 So, this was a reaction to your boss? 82 00:03:55,694 --> 00:03:58,238 Yeah, he was being a condescending prick again. 83 00:03:58,321 --> 00:04:00,198 You should send Abby over there with a lunch tray. 84 00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:02,200 She'll straighten him out. [CHUCKLES, SNORTS] 85 00:04:02,284 --> 00:04:03,618 [SHEILA CHUCKLES] 86 00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:05,203 - What do you mean? - Yeah. What do you mean? 87 00:04:05,287 --> 00:04:07,372 - The tray thing. - [BOTH] What tray thing? 88 00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:08,582 What tray thing? 89 00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:14,171 I can't believe Abby smashed a boy in the face with a tray. 90 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,339 God, we have so much going on. When does it end? 91 00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:18,175 We do have a lot of balls in the air. 92 00:04:18,467 --> 00:04:21,970 How do jugglers do it? They keep five things going at once. 93 00:04:22,053 --> 00:04:24,556 And dangerous things... chainsaws, knives. 94 00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:27,601 I once saw a juggler juggle a smaller juggler. 95 00:04:28,185 --> 00:04:29,102 How is that dangerous? 96 00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:31,229 He was juggling the smaller guy against his will. 97 00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:32,397 Oh. 98 00:04:32,481 --> 00:04:34,566 Was that part of the act or something that just happened? 99 00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:36,530 I didn't see the start of it. The point 100 00:04:36,537 --> 00:04:38,659 is juggling a lot of things is hard, 101 00:04:38,737 --> 00:04:41,156 especially if some of those things don't want to be there. 102 00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:45,660 [SHEILA SIGHS] 103 00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:47,829 So, what's the plan? 104 00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:50,207 We have all the information, but she doesn't know that. 105 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:53,001 - So for once, we're one step ahead. - [JOEL] Finally! 106 00:04:53,084 --> 00:04:55,337 [SHEILA] I say we go in, ask her about school, 107 00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:57,756 and give her the chance to talk about the tray thing. 108 00:04:57,839 --> 00:04:58,965 - [JOEL] Smart. - Yes. 109 00:04:59,049 --> 00:05:00,050 I can hear you. 110 00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:02,344 - [JOEL] Shit. - [SHEILA] Fuck. 111 00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:05,722 [SHEILA] Abby, are you in there? 112 00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:08,141 [JOEL] If so, your mother and I would like to talk to you. 113 00:05:08,225 --> 00:05:10,435 Oh, my God. Come in. 114 00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:14,272 - Hey! - Hi! 115 00:05:14,356 --> 00:05:18,360 Guys, I have some unprompted honesty I'd love to share with you. 116 00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:19,986 I hit someone with a tray. 117 00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:22,614 Well, now we know. 118 00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:24,491 What we don't know is what you were thinking. 119 00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:27,494 He was being a dick to his ex-girlfriend online. 120 00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,329 Well, people can be jerks, Abby. 121 00:05:29,412 --> 00:05:30,762 But unless they come at you with a 122 00:05:30,769 --> 00:05:32,713 knife, you can't attack them like that. 123 00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:34,876 Mom, you kill and eat people. 124 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,170 I kill and eat people because I have to. 125 00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:39,422 I hit him with a tray because I had to. 126 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:42,801 Your mother has a medical condition. That comparison is offensive. 127 00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:44,761 - Right? - Right. 128 00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:47,889 I'm just worried about your future. You could get expelled. 129 00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:49,307 I'm not getting expelled. 130 00:05:49,391 --> 00:05:51,351 Principal Novak couldn't get anyone to talk. 131 00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:54,646 No loose ends. I learned that from you. Mostly from your mistakes. 132 00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:55,647 [SHEILA SCOFFS] 133 00:05:55,730 --> 00:05:57,357 Yes, we're not good at murder. 134 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,568 I happen to believe that's a positive quality. 135 00:05:59,651 --> 00:06:01,618 And what I find most upsetting is that 136 00:06:01,625 --> 00:06:03,953 you don't seem to have any remorse. 137 00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:06,366 - I don't. - None? 138 00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:09,976 Do you want me to lie and say that I do? 139 00:06:09,983 --> 00:06:10,960 Of course not. 140 00:06:11,830 --> 00:06:12,747 Right? 141 00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:18,211 What's happening to her? Are we raising a monster? 142 00:06:18,295 --> 00:06:21,715 I don't know. She's seen so much crazy stuff lately. 143 00:06:21,798 --> 00:06:24,843 I shouldn't have ripped apart that Serbian guy in front of her. 144 00:06:24,926 --> 00:06:27,304 Looking back, I might've handled that differently. 145 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:31,891 I killed her best friend's stepdad and put his body in our bathtub. 146 00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:33,852 That's not a story I'm gonna tell at her wedding. 147 00:06:33,935 --> 00:06:38,523 - Oh, no. My finger's oozing again. - Oh, Jesus. 148 00:06:39,858 --> 00:06:43,612 Are we kidding ourselves? What if we can't keep all these balls up? 149 00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:44,571 We have to. 150 00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:46,323 It's so overwhelming. 151 00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:50,201 Abby, stopping a clam plague, and now work's gotten weird. 152 00:06:50,285 --> 00:06:51,974 Our new sheriff neighbor is looking into 153 00:06:51,981 --> 00:06:53,711 the murder of our old sheriff neighbor. 154 00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:55,999 I just wish you could eat chicken. 155 00:06:56,291 --> 00:07:00,170 All right, our first priority is getting Abby back on track. 156 00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:03,173 So tomorrow, we take her to see that boy she hit 157 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,717 - and we make her apologize. - Good idea. 158 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:08,970 As the great juggler Francisco Garibaldi once said, 159 00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:11,556 "When there's fear in your heart and knives in the air, 160 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,935 the wise juggler focuses on but a single blade." 161 00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,938 What's with you and the juggling? 162 00:07:18,021 --> 00:07:21,066 I saw a cool documentary about a juggler. You should watch it. 163 00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:23,568 - I'm not going to watch it. - It has a great twist. 164 00:07:24,653 --> 00:07:25,528 Tell me about it. 165 00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:28,644 He had four wives and 18 children, and 166 00:07:28,651 --> 00:07:30,957 none of them knew about each other. 167 00:07:31,034 --> 00:07:33,370 He was juggling balls and families. 168 00:07:33,703 --> 00:07:38,291 Wow. That's crazy. I would've liked to have watched that. 169 00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:40,210 You can still watch it. 170 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:43,296 No. You ruined it. 171 00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:58,228 I can't believe you guys are actually making me do this. 172 00:07:58,311 --> 00:07:59,729 You apologized to all your victims? 173 00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:01,606 Let's stop comparing our behaviors. 174 00:08:01,690 --> 00:08:03,084 Someday, if you have kids, and you get 175 00:08:03,091 --> 00:08:04,740 a virus, and start killing people, 176 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,736 you'll appreciate how well your mother and I are doing. 177 00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:09,030 It's true. And then you're gonna call and be like, 178 00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:12,701 "Mom, oh, my God, this is so hard." And I'll say, "Mm-hmm." 179 00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:14,577 We know over the last few weeks, 180 00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:17,122 we haven't been as focused on parenting as we should have. 181 00:08:17,205 --> 00:08:18,999 But starting now, we're gonna be more hands-on. 182 00:08:19,082 --> 00:08:21,084 And lesson number one is when you hurt somebody... 183 00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,086 - Like by killing them? - No. This is about you. 184 00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:25,005 When you do something wrong, you take responsibility. 185 00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:27,382 By turning yourself into the police? 186 00:08:27,465 --> 00:08:29,592 No, still on you. You apologize. 187 00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:32,387 - To the loved ones you've left behind? - I'm done. Your turn. 188 00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,681 Apologize or you're not getting your iPad back. 189 00:08:35,557 --> 00:08:38,226 So blackmailing me into saying something I don't believe 190 00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:39,519 is your idea of good parenting? 191 00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:41,563 So, you admit it is parenting. 192 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:46,026 Fine. Let's get this over with. 193 00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:48,945 [DOORBELL RINGS] 194 00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:50,822 Impressive house. Great curb appeal. 195 00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,575 Yeah. If this goes well, maybe we can leave our card. 196 00:08:57,203 --> 00:09:01,374 Hello. We're... Joel and Sheila Hammond. 197 00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:03,360 I'm not used to using our actual names. 198 00:09:03,367 --> 00:09:04,175 Yeah, weird. 199 00:09:04,252 --> 00:09:05,920 And I believe you know our daughter Abby. 200 00:09:07,922 --> 00:09:08,965 I've seen her. 201 00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:12,302 She came here today to apologize. Isn't that right, Abby? 202 00:09:14,471 --> 00:09:17,390 - That's correct. - Sounds like you don't really want to. 203 00:09:18,308 --> 00:09:19,142 Nope. 204 00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:22,020 [CHUCKLES] Tight. Come on in. 205 00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:23,313 Lovely home. 206 00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:25,440 And we should know because we sell a lot of homes. 207 00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:27,400 High-end homes like this one. 208 00:09:27,484 --> 00:09:29,194 Oh, my God. 209 00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:32,030 [BELL JINGLES] 210 00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:33,865 [EXHALES] 211 00:09:33,948 --> 00:09:38,244 Hello. I'm one half of a father-son seafood distribution company. 212 00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:40,163 I'm the son. [CHUCKLES] 213 00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:43,833 Anyway, my dad can't be here. 214 00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:47,212 Well, not that he's an absent father. Far from it. 215 00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:50,256 We do a lot of things together... tennis, word puzzles. 216 00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:53,301 Sometimes we just sit quietly side by side, and that's all right, too. 217 00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:54,427 What do you want? 218 00:09:54,511 --> 00:09:57,097 Right, we want to be your new seafood distributor. 219 00:09:57,180 --> 00:10:00,642 We could do it on a trial basis. Maybe start with clams. 220 00:10:00,725 --> 00:10:01,893 Who sells you your clams? 221 00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:03,520 We don't serve a lot of clams. 222 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,022 Maybe because you are swimming with the wrong clammers. 223 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,899 What'd you say your clam guy's name was? 224 00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:09,400 Why do you keep bringing up clams? 225 00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:12,904 Am I? Because you're the one who brought it up last. 226 00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:16,449 Listen, I'm not sure what's going on here, but you should go. 227 00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:19,160 Understood. My father and I respect your decision to stay with... 228 00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:21,287 who did you say your clam guy was? 229 00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:22,872 - Get out. - Very good. 230 00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,207 - [DOOR OPENS] - [BELL JINGLES] 231 00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:29,212 [SIGHS] 232 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:36,970 Dare I? 233 00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:45,103 That corn dog smells really great. 234 00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:46,104 It's the last one. 235 00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:47,438 Fair enough. 236 00:10:47,522 --> 00:10:50,775 So, what Abby came to say was... 237 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,195 Christian, I really am sorry... 238 00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:58,158 that something went so wrong in your early relationships with women 239 00:10:58,241 --> 00:11:00,577 that you ended up being such an irredeemable douchebag. 240 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:01,171 Abby. 241 00:11:01,178 --> 00:11:02,710 I've decided I don't need my iPad back. 242 00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:03,872 Phones have gotten big enough. 243 00:11:04,122 --> 00:11:08,459 If my relationships are so messed up, then why did I have sex at age 13? 244 00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:10,211 Boom. 245 00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:14,591 Whoa. Buddy, there's a lot to unpack there. 246 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,964 Guys, let's stop with all the name-calling 247 00:11:16,971 --> 00:11:19,101 and the unsettling sexual revelations 248 00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:22,765 and just get back to why we're here. And, please, let's keep it civil. 249 00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:25,184 - [DOOR OPENS] - [WOMAN] Ding-dong, we're home. 250 00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:26,352 Fuck me. 251 00:11:27,896 --> 00:11:31,399 - You two. - Chris? Christa? 252 00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:32,984 Christian is your son? 253 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,570 Oh, I see what you've done there. Wow. 254 00:11:35,904 --> 00:11:37,155 What are you doing in our house? 255 00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:40,158 Our daughter felt great remorse for hitting your son with a tray 256 00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:41,576 and came to apologize. 257 00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:44,662 - She hit our son with a tray? - Only in the face. 258 00:11:44,746 --> 00:11:46,039 - [GASPS] - I'm Abby. 259 00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:48,499 If you guys want to sell your home, these two are the best. 260 00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:52,921 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are you okay? Did she hurt you? 261 00:11:53,004 --> 00:11:55,131 - Mom, I'm fine. - You didn't know? 262 00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:58,092 Mom, Dr. Fineman says you shouldn't squeeze my face anymore 263 00:11:58,176 --> 00:11:59,302 without my permission. 264 00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:01,721 - Dad! - He did say that, sweetie. 265 00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:04,223 Well, sounds like we've triggered a healthy discussion, 266 00:12:04,307 --> 00:12:05,350 so we're gonna scoot. 267 00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:09,187 - Why didn't the school call us? - Because there wasn't any proof. 268 00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:11,064 But as proactive parents, we felt compelled 269 00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:12,440 to have our daughter come and apologize, 270 00:12:12,523 --> 00:12:14,025 which I think we can all agree has been done. 271 00:12:14,108 --> 00:12:16,235 Well, now there is proof, isn't there? 272 00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:18,947 I'm not following, and we have to scoot. 273 00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:22,116 You just admitted it. Your daughter assaulted our son. 274 00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:25,453 And we're going to notify Principal Novak and have her expelled. 275 00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:27,163 [CHRISTA] Oh, this is delicious. 276 00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:31,459 You two came over here and told us something we never would have known. 277 00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:34,295 And now we're going to strap it on and fuck you with it. 278 00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:35,421 Go, Mom! 279 00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:38,299 Your daughter is not going to graduate high school, 280 00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:40,426 which is ironic because you two are the idiots. 281 00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:44,555 How would you like it if I put my foot so far up your perfect little ass, 282 00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:47,392 you won't find it again until you shit it out on Christmas morning? 283 00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:49,477 Go, Mom! 284 00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:52,021 Honey, remember why we're here... trying to keep Abby on the right path. 285 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:54,983 Let's not touch anyone in a way Dr. Fineman wouldn't approve of. 286 00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:56,776 Sheila, what is your safe word? 287 00:12:56,859 --> 00:12:59,487 Because I want to know what to ignore when I'm making you my bitch. 288 00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:02,615 You're just lucky that I'm here to set an example for my daughter 289 00:13:02,699 --> 00:13:05,368 because otherwise, I would literally turn you inside out. 290 00:13:05,660 --> 00:13:09,455 Look, let's take a breath. We're all "realators" here. 291 00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:15,086 Actually, we're "realtors." We don't know what a "real-ator" is. 292 00:13:15,169 --> 00:13:17,005 You know what, Chris? Fuck you. 293 00:13:17,255 --> 00:13:18,089 How about this? 294 00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:21,843 We won't tell Principal Novak what Abby did and get her expelled 295 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,762 if you give us the listing you stole from us with that dog stunt. 296 00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:27,181 You are never gonna get that listing. 297 00:13:27,265 --> 00:13:29,058 And we didn't steal it. We won it. 298 00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:32,228 In high school, your dad drove drunk and flipped a car. 299 00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:34,856 You have until 5:00 tonight to decide. 300 00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:36,774 That is our best and final offer. 301 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,814 Oh, that's an expression "realtors" use, 302 00:13:39,821 --> 00:13:42,036 so you may not be familiar with it. 303 00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:45,533 Christian, did you know that your mom sold me a Quaalude once? 304 00:13:46,743 --> 00:13:48,273 Well, I think this has shown us why 305 00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:50,377 everyone here has such fucked-up kids. 306 00:13:50,872 --> 00:13:51,914 Shall we scoot? 307 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,044 I hate these people. They're so mean. 308 00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:58,588 And this house. A mudroom in Santa Clarita? 309 00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:01,799 - It rains twice a year. Fools. - We cannot let them win this. 310 00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:03,718 Grace Tinsler got expelled, and now she's homeschooled 311 00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:05,428 and has 200,000 YouTube followers. 312 00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:07,805 And all she does is whisper ingredients from cereal boxes. 313 00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:11,726 You're not getting expelled. And you're not... what'd you say she does? 314 00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:14,103 She whispers ingredients into a camera. 315 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:17,857 It's a non-sexual fetish thing. It pays her parents' mortgage. 316 00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:20,401 If it pays her parents' mortgage, it's a sex thing. 317 00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:21,778 Maybe we should give them the listing. 318 00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:23,696 No. We can't lose that commission. 319 00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:25,573 And even if we give them what they want, 320 00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:27,867 what's to keep them from blackmailing us again? 321 00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,118 They may want our next listing. 322 00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:31,412 And then the one after that. And then they'll own us. 323 00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:35,249 That's true. Like Dan. Maybe even worse. He wanted us to kill for him. 324 00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:38,961 But to his credit, he never spoke so explicitly about our bodies. 325 00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:41,005 Yeah, these people really belong in a bigger city. 326 00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:42,812 Okay, we need to get ahead of this. 327 00:14:42,819 --> 00:14:45,182 We need to get to Novak before they do. 328 00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:47,678 And then Abby can apologize and show some remorse. 329 00:14:47,762 --> 00:14:48,679 I'm not sorry. 330 00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:50,223 Show some remorse, all right? 331 00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:52,683 You might get a slap on the wrist and not expelled. 332 00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:55,603 It's what people do when they plead guilty to get a lesser sentence. 333 00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:58,773 Murderers do it all the time. I've been looking into it. 334 00:14:58,856 --> 00:15:01,442 I don't think it's a great idea to just show up at his house. 335 00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:02,652 The last time we dropped by, 336 00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:04,487 we trashed it and assaulted his grandmother. 337 00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:05,488 He might remember that. 338 00:15:05,822 --> 00:15:07,782 - You have a better idea? - Yeah. 339 00:15:08,324 --> 00:15:10,451 Oh, better? [SIGHS] No. 340 00:15:33,975 --> 00:15:35,893 Hey! What the hell are you doing? 341 00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:38,813 This isn't the bathroom. 342 00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:45,945 [SHEILA SIGHS] 343 00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:49,031 Novak better get home soon. We have that investor meeting in an hour. 344 00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:51,033 Investor meeting. Sounds important. 345 00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:53,119 Plus, it's 140 degrees in here, 346 00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:55,788 so let's bail and get food. 347 00:15:55,872 --> 00:15:56,998 Maybe a corn dog. 348 00:15:57,582 --> 00:15:59,917 That moment's passed. Now I want sweets. 349 00:16:00,001 --> 00:16:02,295 No, we are staying here until he gets home 350 00:16:02,378 --> 00:16:04,464 and you can say you're sorry for what you did. 351 00:16:04,547 --> 00:16:06,132 - I'm not sorry. - We don't care. 352 00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:07,467 You need to tell him that you are. 353 00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:09,343 Yeah, 'cause you don't want Chris and Christa to win. 354 00:16:09,594 --> 00:16:10,803 Because we are overwhelmed 355 00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:13,681 and we don't know if our family is going to make it! 356 00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:19,729 I'm sorry, but you always say you want to be included in our world. 357 00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:21,105 That's our world. 358 00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,733 It's been really hard lately, sweetie. 359 00:16:23,941 --> 00:16:26,444 Every day something new is thrown at us. 360 00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:28,279 Yesterday, I bit my finger off. 361 00:16:28,529 --> 00:16:29,363 What? 362 00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:31,824 It's okay, it's getting better. I'm like a snowman. 363 00:16:32,617 --> 00:16:33,534 What? 364 00:16:33,618 --> 00:16:35,266 A year ago, losing a finger would've been 365 00:16:35,273 --> 00:16:36,919 the headline of the Christmas newsletter. 366 00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:39,123 Now it wouldn't even be in the "This 'n' That" section. 367 00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:41,918 And you hit someone in the face with a tray and might get expelled, 368 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:44,504 so we feel like we're failing you as parents. 369 00:16:44,587 --> 00:16:45,588 [SIGHS] 370 00:16:47,757 --> 00:16:49,759 What do you mean we might not make it? 371 00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:56,098 Your mother and I will always do everything to keep this family going. 372 00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:58,726 But right now, we could really use your help. 373 00:17:02,605 --> 00:17:04,649 [VEHICLE APPROACHING] 374 00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:09,153 [GASPS] He's home. 375 00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:13,658 Principal Novak! 376 00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:17,119 Oh, God. It's all three of them. 377 00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:18,538 Ah! 378 00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:21,415 [GASPS, PANTS] 379 00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:26,254 We just want to talk to you. 380 00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:28,506 Come on. [PANTING] 381 00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:31,050 Come on, come on, come on. 382 00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:32,969 What? What do you want from me? 383 00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:35,555 First of all, I hope you're okay. 384 00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:37,765 Second, thanks for not pressing charges 385 00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:40,142 after I broke some things in your lovely home. 386 00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:43,521 I wanted to, but my grandmother wouldn't allow it. 387 00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:46,190 It's her house, so she always gets her way, 388 00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:48,943 right down to the flavor of sherbet that I'm allowed to enjoy. 389 00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:50,486 Well, we're grateful either way. 390 00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:53,906 But the reason we're here is because Abby has something to tell you. 391 00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:54,907 Right, Abby? 392 00:17:57,827 --> 00:18:00,830 - I did hit Christian with a tray. - [CHUCKLES] I knew it! 393 00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:04,792 I'm sorry for the trouble I caused everyone. 394 00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:08,379 I didn't handle the situation in the best way. It's just... 395 00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:11,070 when I saw Christian posting texts from 396 00:18:11,077 --> 00:18:12,889 Janie and how humiliated she felt, 397 00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:14,594 I snapped. 398 00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:16,387 I had to do something. 399 00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:19,807 I had to help her. 400 00:18:23,019 --> 00:18:24,437 Okay, that's nonsense 401 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,981 because there were 200 other people in that cafeteria, 402 00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:28,899 and none of them did what you did. 403 00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:33,029 No, they didn't. And I accept full responsibility for my actions. 404 00:18:35,823 --> 00:18:36,741 Thank you. 405 00:18:37,575 --> 00:18:39,869 Coming forward was the right and correct thing to do. 406 00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:43,289 - Now you are expelled. - What? 407 00:18:43,372 --> 00:18:46,042 - Hold on. - I think you missed the point. 408 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,919 - Our daughter... - Is a hooligan, as you all are. 409 00:18:49,003 --> 00:18:51,088 And now she is expelled! 410 00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:53,466 And if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go inside 411 00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:55,217 and I'm gonna have two scoops of sherbet 412 00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:58,095 because my grandmother is away, hopefully failing her driver's test. 413 00:18:58,763 --> 00:18:59,805 [SHEILA] Well, wait. 414 00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:02,516 - Wait! - Leave me be! 415 00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:09,774 Sorry, team. I failed. 416 00:19:10,358 --> 00:19:13,653 - You didn't fail, honey. - No. You did great. 417 00:19:13,736 --> 00:19:15,988 What are you talking about? I got expelled. 418 00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:18,532 There were 200 kids in that cafeteria, 419 00:19:18,616 --> 00:19:22,787 and you were the only one that did anything to help that poor girl. 420 00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:25,373 - Maybe it wasn't the best thing. - Yeah, don't do that again. 421 00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:27,792 - But you did something. - That's right. 422 00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:31,671 Maybe we're not raising a monster. 423 00:19:31,754 --> 00:19:33,756 Maybe we're raising a superhero. 424 00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:37,009 Wait, you thought I was a monster? 425 00:19:37,093 --> 00:19:38,511 Shh. 426 00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:40,429 Shit! 427 00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:41,347 Wow! 428 00:19:42,056 --> 00:19:43,808 Your finger's gone. Where'd it go? 429 00:19:44,058 --> 00:19:47,395 - I don't know. I had it in the car. - Think it fell off in the yard? 430 00:19:47,478 --> 00:19:48,437 [NOVAK SCREAMS] 431 00:19:51,565 --> 00:19:54,360 Now I'm guessing Novak slammed it in the door. 432 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,155 - Maybe we should go. - I want my finger. 433 00:19:58,239 --> 00:20:01,909 I know, but it's gonna be so awkward. We already said goodbye. 434 00:20:02,118 --> 00:20:03,619 Yeah. I want my finger. 435 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,371 I know, I know. Damn it! 436 00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:07,039 Hold on. 437 00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:10,459 I have an idea. 438 00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:16,215 [SHEILA SCREAMING] 439 00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:18,008 My finger! 440 00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:20,845 You cut off my wife's finger! 441 00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:23,139 This is an emergency! There's no time to think! 442 00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:26,684 - I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! - Oh, my God. I'm in so much pain! 443 00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:29,311 - Quickly, to the hospital. - I'm so sorry! Please don't sue me! 444 00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:34,233 We won't if you don't expel Abby. 445 00:20:34,316 --> 00:20:35,825 Yes. Otherwise, you'll be hearing from 446 00:20:35,832 --> 00:20:37,617 the law offices of Martin L. Taylor. 447 00:20:37,695 --> 00:20:40,656 All right. All right. Let's say three days of suspension. 448 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,324 We can live with that. 449 00:20:42,408 --> 00:20:44,994 - I'll get some ice for your finger. - That's okay. This will work. 450 00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:47,455 My sherbet. My spoon. 451 00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:55,129 Suck it, Chris and Christa! Our daughter's getting suspended. 452 00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:57,590 The Hammonds, taking a step forward! 453 00:20:57,673 --> 00:21:00,176 - Abby, getting her iPad back! - [PHONE RINGING] 454 00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:02,845 Eric, programming his picture into my phone. 455 00:21:03,179 --> 00:21:04,805 Nobody wants that. 456 00:21:04,889 --> 00:21:05,723 Hey, buddy. 457 00:21:05,806 --> 00:21:06,932 I messed up, Joel. 458 00:21:07,016 --> 00:21:09,185 I went to Japopo's to try to find the clam distributor 459 00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,729 and I snuck into the owner's office and he saw me and got pissed. 460 00:21:11,812 --> 00:21:13,355 Now I'm locked in here and I can't get out. 461 00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:15,399 - Why did you go there? - Because you were busy. 462 00:21:15,483 --> 00:21:17,276 I wanted to help you. I love being helpful. 463 00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:19,403 All right, I'll be right over. 464 00:21:19,487 --> 00:21:21,614 Please tell me that I don't have to pretend we're partners 465 00:21:21,697 --> 00:21:23,532 in a father-son seafood business. 466 00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:26,869 Oh, Jesus. 467 00:21:28,037 --> 00:21:28,913 I have to go help Eric. 468 00:21:28,996 --> 00:21:30,998 It's almost 4:00. We have that investor meeting. 469 00:21:31,081 --> 00:21:33,334 Plus, Mom's finger came off. That seems important. 470 00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:36,378 Right. Okay. We have a lot of knives in the air. 471 00:21:36,462 --> 00:21:40,424 As wise jugglers, "We must each focus on but a single blade." 472 00:21:40,508 --> 00:21:42,927 I think Dad spent too much time in a hot car. 473 00:21:43,010 --> 00:21:43,886 No, he's fine. 474 00:21:43,969 --> 00:21:46,514 He just saw something on television, and now he's living his life by it. 475 00:21:46,847 --> 00:21:49,975 Abby, help your mother reattach her finger. It's not that hard. 476 00:21:50,476 --> 00:21:53,187 - Gross. Got it. - I'll deal with the Eric situation. 477 00:21:53,270 --> 00:21:54,772 And Carl's not gonna be at that meeting, right? 478 00:21:54,855 --> 00:21:57,775 Nope. So I won't be stressed and start snacking on myself. 479 00:21:58,651 --> 00:22:00,820 - I'll just go on my own. - Great! 480 00:22:00,903 --> 00:22:03,405 The Hammonds, getting shit done! 481 00:22:03,489 --> 00:22:06,200 The Hammonds, making it look easy. 482 00:22:06,283 --> 00:22:10,162 The Hammonds, standing for too long with a severed finger in the street. 483 00:22:10,246 --> 00:22:11,997 Yeah, we should go. 484 00:22:17,127 --> 00:22:18,379 Hey, Mark. 485 00:22:18,462 --> 00:22:21,131 Joel! Hey, thanks for that Yelp review, buddy. 486 00:22:21,215 --> 00:22:22,383 Brought in a bunch of new customers. 487 00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:24,468 How's that tipping documentary coming, huh? 488 00:22:24,844 --> 00:22:26,804 My wife, she bought a beautiful new dress for the interview. 489 00:22:26,887 --> 00:22:28,305 Oh. [SIGHS] 490 00:22:28,389 --> 00:22:30,599 I lost the financing. 491 00:22:30,683 --> 00:22:34,895 So, unless you know anyone who's got $2 million... [CHUCKLES] 492 00:22:34,979 --> 00:22:36,855 Actually, I do know a guy. 493 00:22:36,939 --> 00:22:38,857 Oh. Um... 494 00:22:39,358 --> 00:22:42,945 Anyway, I'm also part of a father-son seafood distribution company 495 00:22:43,028 --> 00:22:45,322 - and, apparently, my boy... - Whoa. 496 00:22:45,406 --> 00:22:47,741 Is that your son in my office? That's him? 497 00:22:48,284 --> 00:22:49,868 What the hell's going on here, hmm? 498 00:22:49,952 --> 00:22:51,870 There's no way you and that kid are seafood distributors. 499 00:22:53,247 --> 00:22:55,165 No, we're not. 500 00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:58,002 Well, at least tell me you're really making a tipping documentary 501 00:22:58,085 --> 00:22:58,919 my wife's gonna be in. 502 00:23:02,172 --> 00:23:03,257 God damn it. 503 00:23:03,340 --> 00:23:05,426 Sorry, Mark, it's complicated. 504 00:23:05,968 --> 00:23:08,929 But, please, I promise I'll never lie to you again 505 00:23:09,013 --> 00:23:11,432 if you'll just let my only son out of your office. 506 00:23:11,682 --> 00:23:14,602 Let him out? He can go whenever he wants. He locked himself in there. 507 00:23:14,810 --> 00:23:15,728 - What? - Yeah. 508 00:23:17,521 --> 00:23:18,939 [SIGHS] 509 00:23:20,816 --> 00:23:22,985 Eric. Open the door. 510 00:23:27,156 --> 00:23:29,992 - What are you doing? - I'm sorry. He yelled, I panicked. 511 00:23:30,075 --> 00:23:32,995 The longer I was in here, the angrier he got. [SIGHS] 512 00:23:33,078 --> 00:23:36,582 I'm a coward, Joel. Behold. The me behind the mask. 513 00:23:37,124 --> 00:23:40,002 You pissed off the owner. Now he's never gonna help me. 514 00:23:40,085 --> 00:23:41,920 Sorry, humankind, can't save you. 515 00:23:42,004 --> 00:23:44,673 Eric went rogue, so everyone has to eat each other. 516 00:23:44,923 --> 00:23:49,678 Actually, maybe they won't. I found this in the file cabinet. 517 00:23:50,512 --> 00:23:54,391 Japopo's has a regular seafood distributor, but the day Sheila got sick, 518 00:23:54,475 --> 00:23:58,395 for some reason, they bought their clams from this place. 519 00:23:58,937 --> 00:24:00,564 "Ruby's Clams." 520 00:24:00,648 --> 00:24:01,940 Oh, my God, this is it. 521 00:24:02,024 --> 00:24:04,443 This is where the clams that turned Sheila came from. 522 00:24:04,526 --> 00:24:05,944 You found it, Eric. 523 00:24:10,199 --> 00:24:13,952 - Did you want me to hug you? - No, we don't have to hug. 524 00:24:14,536 --> 00:24:17,289 That's right. We're men of the sea. 525 00:24:17,623 --> 00:24:20,209 Sometimes we just walk quietly side by side. 526 00:24:20,292 --> 00:24:21,543 That's all right, too. 527 00:24:21,919 --> 00:24:22,878 - Hmm? - Hmm? 528 00:24:26,799 --> 00:24:27,633 [WHISPERS] Okay. 529 00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:33,097 Carl! I thought you weren't coming. 530 00:24:33,597 --> 00:24:36,684 I changed my mind. I wanted to make sure you didn't fuck it up. 531 00:24:36,767 --> 00:24:37,685 [CHUCKLES] 532 00:24:37,768 --> 00:24:42,272 Okay, well, I'll be in in a minute. I just need to put some lipstick on. 533 00:24:42,606 --> 00:24:43,440 You look fine. 534 00:24:45,317 --> 00:24:46,151 Yeah, okay. 535 00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:51,699 Oh. 536 00:24:52,282 --> 00:24:55,411 Carl, you parked a little close. Would you mind? 537 00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:58,622 Hurry up! And don't talk too much. You sound like a know-it-all. 538 00:25:02,084 --> 00:25:03,502 [SIGHS] No. 539 00:25:04,294 --> 00:25:05,629 Where's that stress ball? 540 00:25:08,716 --> 00:25:10,259 Okay. 541 00:25:11,719 --> 00:25:13,178 I can do this. 542 00:25:14,596 --> 00:25:15,973 I can do this. 543 00:25:17,683 --> 00:25:18,767 I can do this. 544 00:25:21,311 --> 00:25:22,855 [EXHALES] 545 00:25:23,856 --> 00:25:24,732 - [JOEL] Honey! - [GASPS] 546 00:25:25,941 --> 00:25:28,777 - What's going on? - I'm going to that investor meeting. 547 00:25:28,861 --> 00:25:31,155 It's 4:00 a.m. That was 12 hours ago! 548 00:25:31,238 --> 00:25:33,991 I've been looking everywhere for you! Where have you been? 549 00:25:34,074 --> 00:25:36,952 I don't know. The last thing I remember is... 550 00:25:37,035 --> 00:25:38,996 I was parking and then Carl pulled up, 551 00:25:39,079 --> 00:25:41,749 and then I had to grab my stress ball and started squeezing it... 552 00:25:41,832 --> 00:25:43,083 - [GASPS] - [GASPS] 553 00:25:44,752 --> 00:25:45,919 Oh, shit! 554 00:25:47,796 --> 00:25:49,089 Carl? 555 00:25:52,153 --> 00:25:58,832 - Synced and Corrected by Dragoniod -